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“Problems are opportunities in work clothes”. Henry J Kaiser, American industrialist

“I proceed with a courageous and honest analysis of the situation. Then I determine what the worst consequences of my failure could be. After imagining the most disastrous consequences that could result, I resign myself to accept them in case it becomes necessary. From that moment on, I concentrate all my time and energy to looking for ways that could alleviate the consequences which, mentally, I have already accepted”. Dale Carnegie, American orator

Problems: You either love ‘em or hate ‘em. For some they represent a challenge, something from which to learn. For others problems are the beginning of the end, a reason to ‘down tools’ for the day. This is what distinguishes winners from losers, business successes from failures.

Positive thinkers act in a similar way to Carnegie, namely recognising that a problem exists, understanding the possible consequences, anticipating the worst possible scenario, and formulating their objectives on this.

Recognising That a Problem Exists

All problems share one characteristic. All are deviations from the norm. For example, where your average/anticipated sales during a given period are

How unobservant and wholly unreliant many pupils are may be seen from the fact that notwithstanding my elaborate handling of the processes of learning prose and poetry by heart, I often receive requests to send some indication of how I would learn a particular chapter or selection by heart! But a chapter consists of paragraphs and paragraphs of sentences. Learning the desired passages by heart is done by applying the methods here so profusely illustrated to the successive sentences of the chapter or selection, until practice and training in these methods will make their further application unnecessary.

In pursuance of my plan to keep the mind in an Assimilating condition when trying to learn and to further aid in making the intellect stay and work with the senses, I proceed to furnish a Training Method for committing prose and poetry to memory.

Endless repetition or repeating a sentence to be memorised over and over again is the usual process. After one perusal, however, the mind in such a case has sated its curiosity in regard to the meaning of the sentence and each subsequent repetition for the purpose of fixing it in the memory merely makes an impression upon the eye or ear or both, and the intellect, being unoccupied, naturally wanders away. Hence, learning by rote promotes mind-wandering : for the Attention always wanders unless wooed to its work by all- engrossing interest in the subject which in case of a weak power of Attention is rarely sufficient, or by the stimulating character of the process of acquirement which is made use of. In the Method about to be given, the intellect is agreeably occupied, and thereby a Habit of Attention is promoted.

The justification for this Method is found in the Psychological maxim that the intellect can assimilate a simple idea more easily than a complex idea, and a few ideas at a time than many ideas.

The process of this New Method of Decomposition and Recomposition is as follows :–Find the shortest sentence or phrase that makes sense in the sentence to be memorised. Add to this short sentence or phrase, modifieis found in the original sentence, always italicising each new addition– one at a time–ontil the original sentence is finally restored. Suppose we wish to memorise Bacon’s definition of education : ” Education is the cultivation of a just and legitimate famihantv betiuixt the mind and things.” Begin with the briefest sentence and then go on : 1. Education is cultivation. 2. Education is the cultivation of a familarity. 3 Education is the cultivation of a familiarity betwixt the mind and things. 4. Education is the cultivation of a just familiarity betwixt the mind and things. 5. Education is the cultivation of a just and legitimate familiarity betwixt the mind and things In this process, the sentence is first taken to pieces, and then reconstructed. Finding the lowest terms, ” Education is cultivation,” we proceed step by step to add modifiers until the original sentence is fully-restored

Each time we make an addition, we recite so much of the original sentence as has hitherto been used, in connection with the new modifiers laying special emphasis on the new matter as represented by the italic words. The intellect is thus kept compulsonly and delightfully occupied from the start to the finish. It seeks the shortest phrase or sentence and adds successively all the modifiers, making no omissions This analyzing and synthesizing process–this taking to pieces and then gradually building up the original sentence, makes a deep and lasting First Impression.

Every time this method is used the Attention ought to be strengthened and mind-wandering diminished and the natural Memory strengthened in both its Stages.

This process admits usually of several applications in the case of a long sentence In the foregoing example, it might have proceeded thus : 1. Education is a familiarity. 2. Education is the familiarity betwixt the mind and things. 3 Education is the cultivation of a familiarity betwixt the mind and things 4. Education is the cultivation of just familiarity betwixt the mind and things 5 Education is the cultivation of a just and legitimate familiarity betwixt the mind and things. Or we might have taken this course : 1. Education is a familiarity. 2. Education is a familiarity betwixt the mind and things. 3 Education is a just familiarity betwixt the mind and things. 4 Education is a just and legitimate familiarity betwixt the mind and things. 5. Education is the cultivation of a just and legitimate familiarity betwixt the mind and things.

To learn more on how you can improve your memory, buy and read the ebook Assimilative Memory from http://shopping.directorygold.com/zen/descriptions/lf/assimilative_memory.htm

There are times in life when your self confidence will take a hard hit. Sometimes you are able to overcome life’s challenges, while other times you simply feel overwhelmed. Sometimes, your confidence and courage will see you through. However, there are times when your self confidence will take a beating. Therefore, it is extremely important that you remember “Nobody can hurt you without your consent.” The impact the problem has on you, is not nearly as important as the impact you allow the problem to create on you. In your life, it is inevitable you will feel pain, but suffering is definitely optional. Whether you choose to bounce back or endure the pain is purely a choice.

There can be a variety of different reasons why your self confidence may be hurt. Your circumstance may be that you have had a hard marriage and are now headed for divorce court. Or perhaps you did not make the college football team or may have even been laid off work. Undoubtedly, there is a lot of pain associated with any of these situations. However, you don’t have to suffer. You can simply choose to resolve or rise above the problem and get back your confidence.

The following are some ways that can help rebuild your self confidence.

Look at the bright side of things.

If you have lost your job, give yourself permission to feel bad for a day or two. However, longer than that is not acceptable. Yes, losing a job is a horrible thing, but it is not the end of the world. In reality, losing your job may be a blessing in disguise. Time away from work may allow you to take a closer look at your life. You can take the time to review your likes and dislikes, as well as your hobbies. This may give you the opportunity to choose a new path in life, one that is more in sync with your aptitude and abilities. Similarly, a divorce may cause you a great deal of pain upfront. However, chances are you were not happy in your marriage. Now, you can begin to rebuild your life and live it the way you want to.

Don’t compare yourself to others

Whenever a problem arises, we often ask God “Why me?” Chances are, God has given you quite a few rewards in your life. When you received the rewards did you ask God “Why me?” This is simply what human nature is all about. We often complain and only seek God when we are in trouble. It is important that you do not look at other people who may appear comfortable and happy from a distance. Stop comparing your suffering with their comfort. This will only make matters worse. Instead, try focusing the attention on yourself. Make a genuine effort to get out whenever you are feeling down.

Self pity can be very addicting and in turn, destroy lives. Instead of giving into self pity (although we all do this from time to time), take back control of your life. Own up to your actions and learn from any mistakes you have made. This will help you to obtain a fresh start. Don’t let a “NO” get you down. A “NO” is something that everyone, including people like Thomas Edison and Henry Ford has had to face. If you look at it in the right light, you can see that a “NO” is actually just a step closer to a “YES”. Reports show that before Edison was successful in producing an electric bulb, he conducted more than a thousand experiments that all failed. Therefore, take the “NO” in stride and keep going.

Are you keeping yourself from moving on?

Shadows form when we stand directly in the path of sunshine. In our lives, we too can cause shadows by standing directly in the way of our own happiness. In today’s society, it is extremely important that we remain flexible. People will often search for months for the perfect job, while allowing others to slip away, simply because they are not willing to adapt to some new job skills. Jane, who was laid off from her job as a teacher, tried for several months to obtain another teaching job.

All the while, she was turning down jobs to work as a freelance copy-editor, a nanny position and even private tutoring positions. The extremely long wait took a further toll on her self confidence. Sometimes it is wise to be flexible and try to adapt to another job, rather than trying to find the perfect replacement. This will help to rebuild confidence, which can eventually lead to a better job, in the field of your choice.

Kevin Sinclair is the publisher and editor of My-Personal-Growth.com, a site that provides information and articles for self improvement and personal growth and development. http://www.my-personal-growth.com/

It’s only human to put things off and most of us do. Even, highly successful people find ways to waste time, but procrastination and lack of planning are “time killers.” You can use the following principles for goal setting, in your place of work, or on your next home improvement project.

Another problem, with procrastination, is it can become a life style. Do you know someone who always puts anything off that they perceive as difficult? How successful is that person? Do you want to model yourself after that person?

You know the logical answers to all of those questions, so it’s time to take action. To make maximum use of time, it is wise to develop a system. If you take the following steps you will get much more accomplished and have some free time to enjoy your family, friends, and hobbies.

Plan everything for the following day and into the future. Life doesn’t always go according to a plan, but you can develop a template to avoid wasting time and you can plan free time to read, meditate, play, or socialize.

When you do your planning, make a list of priorities, and itemize them accordingly. Then, post it somewhere that you will refer to every day. You know your own life style, but here are some suggestions: In your place at the kitchen table, on your PC desktop, in your pocket, on your desk calendar, or on the PDA.

You get the idea - it has to be, “in your face.” It is amazing how many clients, I coach, that spend the first four hours of the day getting ready, but getting nothing done. Some business owners show up to work early, and walk around in circles, without a plan.

How many times does this happen to you, in a grocery store? If it happens at all, you need a list. You also need to organize, itemize, and prioritize your grocery list. This works the same way in all aspects of life. It comes down to the old saying about, “putting all your ducks in a row.”

Which brings me to the next key: Make sure all of the components needed for a project are ready and waiting. My Grandfather was a general contractor and I learned much about the sequence of events required to construct a building.

For one thing, roofing materials are not important, at the beginning of the project, but you cannot afford to forget the forms of the foundation, in the early stages of construction. This causes delays, waiting around, retracing steps, and possibly doing one, or more, tasks twice, all because you forgot a step.

The next key is to finish work that you perceive to be
difficult first. When possible, put this before the tasks you like to do. You will feel like a prisoner released from your own jail.

Once you have your tasks cleared, use your free time wisely. If you know of something that will be a major priority tomorrow, take preemptive action whenever it is possible.

This carries into the last key: Go to bed early, and use solo time, in the morning, for quiet projects, when you need to concentrate. Reading, writing, and planning can be focused on, at this time, without any disruption. Later in the day, you will not be frustrated by daily interruptions because these “focusing tasks” are finished.

Many successful people take speed-reading courses, to stay current on the latest techniques in their field. What separates the successful from the not so successful? Knowledge, putting it to use, planning your time, and controlling the sequence of events, are the largest contributors to success.

People always fluctuate in their behavior from day to day and we all have had our times in which we acted rude to people, and had the pleasure of having the reverse happen as well. Kay Redfield Jamison an international guru of about mood disorders has had her share of mood swings during her times. For years she kept this extreme psychological disorder a secret in which she had moods that switched from being super excited known as mania, to times that she was lethargic and depressed. She actually wrote a book about these events and tells about it in more detail.

By the way, the disorder was known as bipolar disorder and effects many people around the world. With determination, a strong will, and support from her family and friends she overcame her struggles and continue to teach about psychological disorders to this day. I know that you’re probably wondering what are the types of characteristics of deviant or abnormal behavior? Well, one way abnormal behavior can be diagnosed is with some common symptoms. It may surprise you that there are about 40 million Americans that are affected by some type of psychological disorder. You may think of a psychological disorder as what the main character had in the movie “A beautiful Mind.” In essence you are right but there are a lot more other characteristics involved and a sychological disorder can also be defined by having an addiction to a substance like alcohol or drugs. To fully nderstand psychological disorders an individual must analyze abnormal behavior. Let’s take a look at three different case studies.

1) A twenty six year old woman named Helena has a need to walk in a specific way. When she is walking on the street in the public she believes that if she steps on certain cracks she will have bad luck, but in order to reverse that bad luck she has to turn around and walk back a block. She doesn’t like to do this much so she often stay home and pay people to go and pick up her groceries and other needed items.

2) A thirty five year old woman has recently got a divorce from her husband who she has been previously married to for eleven years and has two children with. Her husband have left her for her best friend and she is going back to college to continue her education so she can earn some more money to better support her children. She has a hard time struggling with school work and has grown separate from her friends and colleagues. A lot of the time she doesn’t feel like doing much and tends to cry a lot at nigh time. She also has a more pessimistic view in life and doesn’t believe in true love anymore.

3) A thirty year old man named Don has to have things arrange in his house a certain way. Even though he is wealthy enough to afford a maid he constantly has to rearrange things in his house after she leaves. He sweeps the floor and wipes off tables even though she has done that before.

Most people would say that the behavior of all of these individuals are abnormal, but are all of them bizarre? That’s a common myth about behavior, because people will automatically assume that abnormal behavior is bizarre and it’s not necessary true.
Take the women in the second case study described even though her behavior is abnormal it is not necessary bizarre. A lot of times people with abnormal behavior cannot easily be distinguished from people with normal behavior. Also, just because a person currently has a mental disorder doesn’t mean that they will always have it. The term abnormal behavior varies from different academic mediums. However, the federal courts define insanity which is more of a legal term rather than a psychological on as the inability to differentiae right from wrong. This is a very common term that comes up in terms.

One infamous example is in 1996 when multimillionaire John Dupont shot and killed Olympic Gold medalist wrestler David Schultz. He also has been charged with a couple of assaults earlier. Dupont lawyers used the “insanity” definition as a lame excuse to get him off the hook and it worked because in the end because the jury declared that he had a psychological disorder and he was found guilty of third degree murder. There are three criteria’s for crossing the line between abnormal behavior and normal behavior. Abnormal behavior is usually deviant which means it abstracts from the norms of society. However, remarkable people like Martin Luther King and Bill Gates are not the average person but they are far from being abnormal. When a behavior deviate from what is expected by society than it could be called abnormal.

The second criteria are that it is usually maladaptive which means that it interferes with a person’s ability to function properly in the real world. Last, abnormal behavior includes personal distress. This means that the person is deeply bothered by this and it causes them unnecessary pain and suffering. The causes for abnormal behavior can vary tremendously. We can look at several factors such as biological, psychological, and sociocultural factors to help determine this. Psychologists who favor the biological approach tend to emphasize the brain and genetic traits as the primarily cause of abnormal behavior. When using this approach the primarily form of treatment is drugs or drug therapy. The biological approach is used often in the medical model, which describes psychological disorders as diseases related to biological origins. From the medical view abnormalities are seen a mental illness. The people that are infected with the mental illness are known as patients and they have to be treated by doctors.

The biological view can also be broken done into three more categories. These are known as structural views, biochemical views and genetic views. The structural view thinks that abnormalities in the brain structure are the main lead to mental disorders. The biochemical view looks at the imbalances in the brain’s chemical structure such as neurotransmitters and hormones as the cause to mental disorders. In the genetic view they look at distorted genes as the main contributor to mental disorders.

While the biological approach focuses on inherited traits to be the main contributor to mental disorders, the psychological approach looks at the environment and the unconscious mind as the main contributor to abnormalities. This has three parts to it which includes the psychodynamic perspective, behavioral and social cognitive prospective, and the humanistic perspective. The psychodynamic perspective thinks that psychological disorders come from unconscious conflicts that can cause anxiety and a maladaptive behavior. The main contributor to deviant behavior in this approach is from early bad relationships. If an individual develops bad relationships with either offspring early on in their life than the individual will develop abnormalities. Sigmund Freud was the developer of the psychoanalytic approach in which it places more emphasis on what you can’t physically see. In the behavioral and social cognitive prospective they place an emphasis on the environment in shaping abnormal behavior. They believe that people learn behavior by observing those around them, through self control, through their beliefs in themselves, and through a variety of other cognitive factors which are the key to psychological disorders in this approach. In the humanistic perspective they place an emphasis on an individual’s freedom to do what they want and chose their own destiny and personal characteristics. They believe that psychological disorders come up when an individual fails to meet their own potential.

All of the psychological perspective focuses on the individual. The next approach is the sociocultural approach. This concept places a larger emphasis on the area in which an individual lives such as their family, neighborhood, economic status, and culture. For one example, they believe that a conflict between one’s cultures will be a contributor to a mental disorder in an individual. It’s not necessary the individual that has a mental disorder but rather to an unbalanced social life. There are also some gender effects in determining mental disorders. Women are more likely to have internal mental disorders, which are disorders that affect them inside. They are more likely to be effected with anxiety attacks, and moods of depression.

On the other hand, men are more likely to be effected with external disorders or disorders that are seen outward. Some examples of these disorders are substance abuse and moods of aggression. Many psychologists now believe that psychological disorders are universal which means that they are the same for people everywhere around the world regardless of geographic location or their social status. However, depending on the factors I just mentioned they do vary. There are also some disorders that strictly effect people of one culture, and here are three big ones that I’m currently aware of: Amok, Windigo, and Anorexia Nervosa. The Amok effect people of Malaysia and the Philippines and in this disorder and individual suddenly has a fierce burst of rage and anger and kill and injure as many people as possible before they are killed. This disorder is commonly found in males and the cause of this can be numerous of factors such as jealously, or losing a lot of money through gambling. Windigo is a disorder commonly found in Algonquin Indian hunters and is very similar to a horror story in which an individual is hunted and chased by a fictionist character and become bewitched such as by a bit of a vampire or werewolf. The hunter becomes worried that they will turn into a flesh eating cannibal and harm other around them.

The last disorder, I think that many Americans is aware of the last disorder and that is called anorexia nervosa and effects people of mainly Western cultures with a special emphasis on the people in the United States. This is an eating disorder in which an individual tries to maintain an unhealthy low weight through starvation which can ultimately lead to death.

Jeff Casmer is an internet marketing consultant with career sales over $25,000,000. His “Top Ranked” (http://www.24hourwealth.com/) Earn Money at Home Directory gives you all the information you need to start and prosper with your own Internet Home Based Business.

A young woman wrote in to my dating advice column recently and asked me: “What qualities are absolutely essential in a partner or in an ideal relationship? I have a pretty huge list and want to share some of them with you

o affectionate
o unconditional love for each other
o emotional support, connection and harmony
o caring, kind, compassionate
o easygoing, calm
o stability, commitment, loyal
o understanding, accepting (accepts me as I am)
o tolerant
o appreciation and love for each other
o enjoys intimacy regularly
o sense of humor
o positive outlook (happy and optimistic)

I am seeking this man and hope to find this type of love some day. What do you think of my list?”

My response was probably not what she wanted to hear, but with almost 20 years of experience in dating and relationships industry, I know this young lady is headed for disappointment. Her list is created from girlish childhood fantasies of the Knight swooping in to save the fair maiden. Her list is to me nothing but fantasy from a young woman that has obviously never been married.

Hey, I’m not saying that men cannot be honest, loving, committed and many of the things on the list above, don’t get me wrong! But real men are not perfect by any means. Even if a guy did possess all of her listed qualities, they won’t be in evidence every single day!

He is going to mess up sometimes, piss her off, and definitely not be the man of her dreams. So I can say with confidence that the man she dreams of only exists in soap operas, fairy tales and romance novels. He is not a real man.

If you are passing up great partners and dismissing them as unsuitable while you seek the romantic fantasy of “unconditional love” you need to stop. Take that qualification off your list and get real. Everything has conditions.

And people will stop loving you if you do things on their “crossed the line” list, as well they should! Expecting that you can treat others any way you want and that they will keep loving you anyway is unrealistic.

Why would anyone with good sense continue to love and care for someone that intentionally did something foul and disrespectful, with the full intent of harm or using them?

For instance, a woman who whines and cries claims to still love a man even though he hurt her children or parents, or committed a violent crime against someone’s daughter is a fool. That man would have crossed all barriers of decency and humanity and he should be left in the dust.

When involved in any relationship, we must all decide what our bottom line is. Some people will continue to love and support their friends, children and family members even if they do something on the ‘crossed off’ list.

However, my standard on this issue is this: Anyone that hits me, hurts my child, hurts my Mom or Dad or brothers gets no love from me! You steal my money you are out. You do anything foul and funky with intent to harm me, you are out. And I don’t care who you are.

To me, unconditional love under those circumstances makes no sense and means you care more about someone else than you do yourself. Sadly, the attitude of “I hate myself but I love you” goes hand in hand with a damaged sense of self and low self-esteem, which is almost epidemic in our society.

I strongly suggest that all women eliminate the fantasy of unconditional love in their romantic relationships. Establish boundaries for proper treatment and respect and enforce them 100%! NEVER waste your time or your loving heart loving someone that has clearly demonstrated that they do not love you back.

Deborrah is a dating expert whose columns appear on http://www.askheartbeat.com. Also author of the hilarious modern dating guide Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged. Order your copy today on Amazon.Com

In the spring and summer season is when many people decide it is the right time to make a move if they are going to. The kids are out of school, the weather is better, and the possibility of finding an empty home or job might be better because other people have the same idea. The trick to moving to Miami or anywhere else for that matter is planning. It can be impossible to move at all unless you know you are going to have a job when you get to where you are going.

The unemployment rate in Miami is a little on the high side at present, but then that is the case in most of the country. It is usually always possible to find employment if you search hard enough. Determination has always made the difference between getting a new job or not. You have to be diligent, resilient, and sometimes flexible in order to find new employment where ever you move to. Miami is no different than anywhere else.

There are so many websites available concerning living in Miami. You can start searching for a job there by visiting these websites. One place to look is on The Miami Employment Guide. Then there are the other old stand bys like the local newspapers. You can post ads on various job posting web sites and list your skills and qualifications for a certain type of job that you are looking for.

Sometimes when you move from one place to another, it may not always be possible to find your preferred employment right away. It may be that you might have to consider taking a job that you would not normally wish to for the time being in order to go ahead and get settled. It is the same way in a town like Miami. You might have to be willing to take something a little less prestigious until something better comes along.

The best thing to do is post as many listings advertising yourself in as many different places as you can. Advertising yourself can double the odds of finding employment. Instead of just searching through ads for people wanting to hire someone, you will be putting yourself out there as available as well. When you are looking for good employment it is not just the early bird that gets the worm, sometimes it is the smartest and most determined bird that will get the fastest juiciest worm or in this case, the job.

Rachel Yoshida is a writer in the field of finances and is currently assisting those in need of cash advances and payday loans.
http://www.seotrafficmonger.com/miami.htm
http://www.seotrafficmonger.com/philadelphia.htm

Are you worried that your partner may be cheating on you? The following are tell-tale signs that frequently appear when someone is having an affair.

1. You find birth-control pills in her medicine cabinet, and you’ve had a vasectomy.

2. Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you because they either know about the cheating or have been told stories about what a horrible partner you are.

3. Your partner stops confiding in and seeking advice from you.

4. You discover a new e-mail account your partner opened that you did not know existed.

5. Your partners hours or level of reliability becomes irregular or keeps changing.

6. Your partner suddenly becomes concerned about his or her appearance.

7. Your partner buys a cell phone and does not let you know about it.

8. Your partner opens a separate cell phone account that is billed elsewhere.

9. You discover your husband carrying condoms and you are on the pill.

10. Your partner begins to delete all incoming phone calls from the caller ID.

11. Your partner starts deleting all incoming e-mails when he or she used to let them accumulate.

12. Because of guilt your partner becomes accusatory and starts questioning your fidelity.

13. Your partner begins to raise odd hypothetical questions such as, Do you think it is possible to love more than one person at a time?

14. He or she suddenly starts buying new clothes or special toiletries.

15. Your husband suddenly starts insisting that the child seat, toys, etc., are kept out of his car.

16. Your partner suddenly stops wearing his or her wedding ring.

17. Your husband has a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry.

18. Your partner has unexplained scratches or bruises on his or her neck or back.

19. Your partner suddenly wants to try new love techniques.

20. Your partner stops having sex with you for no apparent reason.

21. He/she suddenly becomes critical of your sex life together.

22. Your partner supposedly works a lot of overtime, but it is not reflected in the paycheck.

23. Your partner suddenly starts finding reasons to unexpectedly leave the house.

24. You accidently discovered that your partner took a vacation day or personal time from work which you did not know about.

25. Your partner displays a sudden interest in a different type of music or entertainment.

26. Your spouses coworkers start appearing uncomfortable in your presence.

27. Your spouse has a sudden preoccupation with his or her appearance.

28. Your spouse spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially after you have gone to bed.

29. Your spouse is oddly not hungry at the usual times because he or she has already eaten with someone else.

30. Your spouse suddenly finds reasons to be away from home.

31. Your partners clothes smell of an unfamiliar perfume or after-shave. You may see lipstick or make-up on your husband’s shirt.

32. The amount of money being deposited into your checking account unexpectedly drops off.

33. You find unaccounted for lingerie or other small gift-type items that you never saw before.

34. Your spouse seems unnecessarily irritable around you and is easily angered.

35. You get phone calls where a caller hangs up when you answer.

36. Your spouse becomes disinterested in home activities.

37. Your intuition or gut feeling tells you that your spouses interest is elsewhere.

38. Your spouse has a sudden change in attitude towards those in the home.

39. Your spouse uses a low voice or whisper or hangs up quickly when on the phone.

40. Your wife has an atypical glow about her.

41. Your spouse starts engaging in atypical or erratic behavior.

42. Your spouse starts leaving the house unexpectedly.

43. Your wife sleeps with her purse by the bed.

44. Your partner goes to the store for groceries and comes home 5 hours later.

45. Your spouse tells you that you can reach him or her at a different telephone number.

Dr Shery is in Cary, IL, near Algonquin, Crystal Lake, Marengo, Woodstock and Lake-in-the-Hills. He provides day and evening appts and accepts all insurance. Call 1 847 516 0899 or learn more at: http://www.carypsychology.com

“Don’t Criticize, Condemn, or Complain” - This is the central piece of advice given in How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. I remember reading this last year and thinking, ‘Sounds like good advice. How hard can that be?’ Alas, actually doing this is much harder than it seems.

I take this particular piece of advice to mean that we shouldn’t try to change what other people do. Since other people are doing what they’d like to do at any given moment, it in some ways insults them to say ‘what you’re doing is wrong’. Therefore, it makes sense to adapt ourselves to this person, and try to benefit from their good parts while minimizing the negative consequences.

It’s also very related to the stages of getting things done. By complaining, condemning, or criticizing, you’re placing the blame on other people, and not doing anything yourself to further the goal. You want other people to fix it, instead of actually doing something about it. Therefore, it’s more of the ‘I’m Going To Build A Tower!’ stage, whereas actually fixing the problem is part of the ‘Leave Me Alone - I’m Working!’ stage.

However, this does pose some interesting questions. How do you bring problems to other people’s attention, without it coming across as a complaint or criticism? This seems to be something that varies from person to person. Something as simple as ‘When you do this, you make me feel angry’ can be regarded as an expression of trust by someone close to you and builds the relationship since you’re expressing your innermost feelings freely. However, by someone else, it can be regarded as an attack on their character, as if you’re blaming them for their lack of sensitivity in making you feel this way.

You could not say things like that ever, but that leaves a lot of ‘untouchable’ areas. What if that person had unintentionally done that particular thing to anger you and it was really easy to fix? By not exploring these areas, you’ll feel like you’re stepping on egg shells all the time, afraid to say things for fear that they’ll be taken as a criticism or complaint.

In many ways, this is almost the same problem as being the recipient of the complaint. In Be A Good Manager By Letting People Learn And Grow, the manager’s criticism makes the employee feel afraid to voice his/her opinions and take initiative. However, this is ironically the same situation for the manager. You’re afraid to tell people to do certain things because you’re not sure if it’ll be taken as a criticism and kill their motivation.

It seems like one of those things that you’re bound to make a mistake on no matter what you do. Somewhere, sometime, you will offend someone by accident. I think it’s how you resolve these “accidents” that makes for the interesting parts. After all, you have to say things, and some things will offend some people. It seems unrealistic to expect to never offend anyone, as pretty much anything you say will be taken as a criticism, condemnation, or complaint by someone, somewhere.

Perhaps, the fine line is that of trust. The more trust, the more likely that things will not be taken as a complaint, condemnation, or criticism and be perceived as just a statement of the problem. This would mean that with people closer to you, you can be more open with your thoughts and problems, which seems to be consistent with the general human condition.

Gaining trust and finding out which areas are untouchable though, are difficult skills to master on their own.

http://www.whatithinkabout.com is full of unusual and unique ideas that will expand your mind and heighten your awareness.

When trying to get your spouse back do not say, I have changed! Thats right.

In an attempt to persuade your spouse to stop an affair or mend your relationship, you may want to use the following ploy: I am not the person I used to be. I have changed and I am different.

Well,it may be true in the sense that your behavior may really be different, these days at least a lot of the time. After all, you may find yourself attempting to accommodate your spouse in ways you never tried before or you may be altering your behavior to fit what he or she wants you to do.

However, the following are real holes in this strategy:

Are you sure it is really true? Have you really changed or are you merely in a reactive mode, responding in a knee-jerk way?

People do often react to painful situations by trying on different behaviors. This approach can be commendable because it can take a lot of energy and thought to drastically change some aspect of your behavior.

If you practice your new changes they may gradually take and become a real part of you. However, these types of changes usually lack staying power because they are really a sudden knee-jerk reaction to the crisis in your relationship.

Ultimately, you know it and so does your spouse. You are likely to return to your old patterns, as the heat on your relationship diminishes. Most likely, your spouse will know this and think that the changes will never last and are only a ploy to get him or her back once again.

These changes are often viewed by spouses as merely desperate attempts to manipulate the situation. Your partners initial reaction will be to resent these changes, even though they are what he/she has been requesting for a very long time.

If she or he had been disappointed by false promises before, the resulting resentful feelings may even be greater now and more distance may actually emerge. In this kind of situation, you are likely to lose credibility because your partner will find believing you too difficult; he or she will simply be too exhausted to know what to believe.

In most affairs and episodes of infidelity, confusion is the first feeling to rise to the top. Since your spouse is likely to be very confused about what he/she wants, you are only adding to that confusion by faking or trying on these new behaviors.

The message your spouse is getting will be muddled. He or she may even begin losing respect for you.

Bottom line: relationship partners usually do not want their spouses, or others for that matter, to bend over backwards to please or placate them. That kind of strategy is usually not respected because it suffers from a lack of backbone which spouses want their mates to have.

It can appear to your partner that you are void of a core self and lack the strong identity necessary to take a firm stand. That is unattractive and is not what most spouses want in a partner.

What is the most common sentiment I hear expressed in counseling? How can you change so easily now, when you fought me tooth and nail when I wanted you to change years ago?

Well, your partner may feel that it is just too late now. He or she may even experience some sadness or resentment as he/she encounters your new behavior, thinking about what could have been, but is no longer seen as possible.

Does any of this ring a bell? Well, the truth is: If your partner is engaged in infidelity and blames it on you and the bad marriage, do not fall for it!

It is just a simplistic cop-out. The answer to saving a marriage wracked by infidelity is not to blame ones partner, but to participate in joint counseling which gets to the bottom of things. Counseling provides each of you with a forum to accept your own responsibility for each part of the problem, to evaluate alternatives and to commit to meaningful solutions.

Dr Shery is in Cary, IL, near Algonquin, Crystal Lake, Marengo, Woodstock and Lake-in-the-Hills. He provides day and evening appts and accepts all insurance. Call 1 847 516 0899 or learn more at: http://www.carypsychology.com