There is a world of difference between being alone and feeling lonely.

Loneliness is a painful, empty feeling. It is based on a belief - or set of beliefs - that you are unloved and unwanted. It is not a pleasant place to be at all, and indeed may even be a component or forerunner of depression.

Where it comes from may be interesting, but it won’t take it away, and to keep this article brief, let’s concentrate our efforts there, shall we?

Essentially, loneliness has three components, and the good news is they’re all under your control.

The first of these I’ve mentioned already, and it’s your beliefs. To feel lonely, you’ll have to believe that no one understands you, wants you, could love or even like you! You may have your personal variations, but underneath your rationalisations, you’ll find I’m in the right ball park.

The second element will be your thoughts - your inner dialogue if you will. You might be the kind of person who asks yourself negatively charged questions, such as, “Why doesn’t anyone ever seem to want me?” Although it may feel reasonable to ask yourself questions like that feeling as wretched as
you do, actually your subconscious takes everything literally and so it’ll give you an honest, almost childlike, answer. You’ll get something like this: “Well, you’re not exactly God’s gift are you? And you know how hopeless you are with money/kids/nerves/fill-in-the-blank, it’s no wonder you’re on your own!”

You get the picture. Of course, it doesn’t come out as neatly as that in your head, but that again will be in the right area.

The third, and perhaps most powerful element, will be your body language. As a lonely, (”unwanted”), person, you’ll avoid eye contact, slump your shoulders a little and maybe hang your head, (as if you’re ashamed of yourself). If you’re a woman you might even hunch a little as if hiding your bust. (You can’t possibly afford the risk of being sexually attractive! Imagine the pain of rejection!)

Your physiology is the most powerful element because it’s the one that will produce the fastest change. I can argue with you till I’m blue in the face that you’re truly a lovely person, but inside you’ll leave feeling much the same as when we started. Your thought processes will still be similar, and you’ll find questions forming in your mind such as, “Why is this guy saying all these nice things to me? If he really knew me …”

But your body language, now that’s different.

Square your shoulders, sit or stand just a little straighter. Breathe ten percent deeper than you were now, and let yourself have this thought: “Actually, I’ve got a lot to be proud of myself about.”

How many times a day can you do that little process?

It’s only a beginning, but you know what little acorns turn into, don’t you?

Trevor Emdon is an expert on relationship trust and other self help issues. Check out http://www.trust-in-relationships.com for details of his latest book and free reports.