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A young woman wrote in to my dating advice column recently and asked me: “What qualities are absolutely essential in a partner or in an ideal relationship? I have a pretty huge list and want to share some of them with you

o affectionate
o unconditional love for each other
o emotional support, connection and harmony
o caring, kind, compassionate
o easygoing, calm
o stability, commitment, loyal
o understanding, accepting (accepts me as I am)
o tolerant
o appreciation and love for each other
o enjoys intimacy regularly
o sense of humor
o positive outlook (happy and optimistic)

I am seeking this man and hope to find this type of love some day. What do you think of my list?”

My response was probably not what she wanted to hear, but with almost 20 years of experience in dating and relationships industry, I know this young lady is headed for disappointment. Her list is created from girlish childhood fantasies of the Knight swooping in to save the fair maiden. Her list is to me nothing but fantasy from a young woman that has obviously never been married.

Hey, I’m not saying that men cannot be honest, loving, committed and many of the things on the list above, don’t get me wrong! But real men are not perfect by any means. Even if a guy did possess all of her listed qualities, they won’t be in evidence every single day!

He is going to mess up sometimes, piss her off, and definitely not be the man of her dreams. So I can say with confidence that the man she dreams of only exists in soap operas, fairy tales and romance novels. He is not a real man.

If you are passing up great partners and dismissing them as unsuitable while you seek the romantic fantasy of “unconditional love” you need to stop. Take that qualification off your list and get real. Everything has conditions.

And people will stop loving you if you do things on their “crossed the line” list, as well they should! Expecting that you can treat others any way you want and that they will keep loving you anyway is unrealistic.

Why would anyone with good sense continue to love and care for someone that intentionally did something foul and disrespectful, with the full intent of harm or using them?

For instance, a woman who whines and cries claims to still love a man even though he hurt her children or parents, or committed a violent crime against someone’s daughter is a fool. That man would have crossed all barriers of decency and humanity and he should be left in the dust.

When involved in any relationship, we must all decide what our bottom line is. Some people will continue to love and support their friends, children and family members even if they do something on the ‘crossed off’ list.

However, my standard on this issue is this: Anyone that hits me, hurts my child, hurts my Mom or Dad or brothers gets no love from me! You steal my money you are out. You do anything foul and funky with intent to harm me, you are out. And I don’t care who you are.

To me, unconditional love under those circumstances makes no sense and means you care more about someone else than you do yourself. Sadly, the attitude of “I hate myself but I love you” goes hand in hand with a damaged sense of self and low self-esteem, which is almost epidemic in our society.

I strongly suggest that all women eliminate the fantasy of unconditional love in their romantic relationships. Establish boundaries for proper treatment and respect and enforce them 100%! NEVER waste your time or your loving heart loving someone that has clearly demonstrated that they do not love you back.

Deborrah is a dating expert whose columns appear on http://www.askheartbeat.com. Also author of the hilarious modern dating guide Sucka Free Love – How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged. Order your copy today on Amazon.Com

In the spring and summer season is when many people decide it is the right time to make a move if they are going to. The kids are out of school, the weather is better, and the possibility of finding an empty home or job might be better because other people have the same idea. The trick to moving to Miami or anywhere else for that matter is planning. It can be impossible to move at all unless you know you are going to have a job when you get to where you are going.

The unemployment rate in Miami is a little on the high side at present, but then that is the case in most of the country. It is usually always possible to find employment if you search hard enough. Determination has always made the difference between getting a new job or not. You have to be diligent, resilient, and sometimes flexible in order to find new employment where ever you move to. Miami is no different than anywhere else.

There are so many websites available concerning living in Miami. You can start searching for a job there by visiting these websites. One place to look is on The Miami Employment Guide. Then there are the other old stand bys like the local newspapers. You can post ads on various job posting web sites and list your skills and qualifications for a certain type of job that you are looking for.

Sometimes when you move from one place to another, it may not always be possible to find your preferred employment right away. It may be that you might have to consider taking a job that you would not normally wish to for the time being in order to go ahead and get settled. It is the same way in a town like Miami. You might have to be willing to take something a little less prestigious until something better comes along.

The best thing to do is post as many listings advertising yourself in as many different places as you can. Advertising yourself can double the odds of finding employment. Instead of just searching through ads for people wanting to hire someone, you will be putting yourself out there as available as well. When you are looking for good employment it is not just the early bird that gets the worm, sometimes it is the smartest and most determined bird that will get the fastest juiciest worm or in this case, the job.

Rachel Yoshida is a writer in the field of finances and is currently assisting those in need of cash advances and payday loans.

http://www.seotrafficmonger.com/miami.htm

http://www.seotrafficmonger.com/philadelphia.htm

Are you worried that your partner may be cheating on you? The following are tell-tale signs that frequently appear when someone is having an affair.

1. You find birth-control pills in her medicine cabinet, and you’ve had a vasectomy.

2. Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you because they either know about the cheating or have been told stories about what a horrible partner you are.

3. Your partner stops confiding in and seeking advice from you.

4. You discover a new e-mail account your partner opened that you did not know existed.

5. Your partners hours or level of reliability becomes irregular or keeps changing.

6. Your partner suddenly becomes concerned about his or her appearance.

7. Your partner buys a cell phone and does not let you know about it.

8. Your partner opens a separate cell phone account that is billed elsewhere.

9. You discover your husband carrying condoms and you are on the pill.

10. Your partner begins to delete all incoming phone calls from the caller ID.

11. Your partner starts deleting all incoming e-mails when he or she used to let them accumulate.

12. Because of guilt your partner becomes accusatory and starts questioning your fidelity.

13. Your partner begins to raise odd hypothetical questions such as, Do you think it is possible to love more than one person at a time?

14. He or she suddenly starts buying new clothes or special toiletries.

15. Your husband suddenly starts insisting that the child seat, toys, etc., are kept out of his car.

16. Your partner suddenly stops wearing his or her wedding ring.

17. Your husband has a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry.

18. Your partner has unexplained scratches or bruises on his or her neck or back.

19. Your partner suddenly wants to try new love techniques.

20. Your partner stops having sex with you for no apparent reason.

21. He/she suddenly becomes critical of your sex life together.

22. Your partner supposedly works a lot of overtime, but it is not reflected in the paycheck.

23. Your partner suddenly starts finding reasons to unexpectedly leave the house.

24. You accidently discovered that your partner took a vacation day or personal time from work which you did not know about.

25. Your partner displays a sudden interest in a different type of music or entertainment.

26. Your spouses coworkers start appearing uncomfortable in your presence.

27. Your spouse has a sudden preoccupation with his or her appearance.

28. Your spouse spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially after you have gone to bed.

29. Your spouse is oddly not hungry at the usual times because he or she has already eaten with someone else.

30. Your spouse suddenly finds reasons to be away from home.

31. Your partners clothes smell of an unfamiliar perfume or after-shave. You may see lipstick or make-up on your husband’s shirt.

32. The amount of money being deposited into your checking account unexpectedly drops off.

33. You find unaccounted for lingerie or other small gift-type items that you never saw before.

34. Your spouse seems unnecessarily irritable around you and is easily angered.

35. You get phone calls where a caller hangs up when you answer.

36. Your spouse becomes disinterested in home activities.

37. Your intuition or gut feeling tells you that your spouses interest is elsewhere.

38. Your spouse has a sudden change in attitude towards those in the home.

39. Your spouse uses a low voice or whisper or hangs up quickly when on the phone.

40. Your wife has an atypical glow about her.

41. Your spouse starts engaging in atypical or erratic behavior.

42. Your spouse starts leaving the house unexpectedly.

43. Your wife sleeps with her purse by the bed.

44. Your partner goes to the store for groceries and comes home 5 hours later.

45. Your spouse tells you that you can reach him or her at a different telephone number.

Dr Shery is in Cary, IL, near Algonquin, Crystal Lake, Marengo, Woodstock and Lake-in-the-Hills. He provides day and evening appts and accepts all insurance. Call 1 847 516 0899 or learn more at: http://www.carypsychology.com

“Don’t Criticize, Condemn, or Complain” – This is the central piece of advice given in How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. I remember reading this last year and thinking, ‘Sounds like good advice. How hard can that be?’ Alas, actually doing this is much harder than it seems.

I take this particular piece of advice to mean that we shouldn’t try to change what other people do. Since other people are doing what they’d like to do at any given moment, it in some ways insults them to say ‘what you’re doing is wrong’. Therefore, it makes sense to adapt ourselves to this person, and try to benefit from their good parts while minimizing the negative consequences.

It’s also very related to the stages of getting things done. By complaining, condemning, or criticizing, you’re placing the blame on other people, and not doing anything yourself to further the goal. You want other people to fix it, instead of actually doing something about it. Therefore, it’s more of the ‘I’m Going To Build A Tower!’ stage, whereas actually fixing the problem is part of the ‘Leave Me Alone – I’m Working!’ stage.

However, this does pose some interesting questions. How do you bring problems to other people’s attention, without it coming across as a complaint or criticism? This seems to be something that varies from person to person. Something as simple as ‘When you do this, you make me feel angry’ can be regarded as an expression of trust by someone close to you and builds the relationship since you’re expressing your innermost feelings freely. However, by someone else, it can be regarded as an attack on their character, as if you’re blaming them for their lack of sensitivity in making you feel this way.

You could not say things like that ever, but that leaves a lot of ‘untouchable’ areas. What if that person had unintentionally done that particular thing to anger you and it was really easy to fix? By not exploring these areas, you’ll feel like you’re stepping on egg shells all the time, afraid to say things for fear that they’ll be taken as a criticism or complaint.

In many ways, this is almost the same problem as being the recipient of the complaint. In Be A Good Manager By Letting People Learn And Grow, the manager’s criticism makes the employee feel afraid to voice his/her opinions and take initiative. However, this is ironically the same situation for the manager. You’re afraid to tell people to do certain things because you’re not sure if it’ll be taken as a criticism and kill their motivation.

It seems like one of those things that you’re bound to make a mistake on no matter what you do. Somewhere, sometime, you will offend someone by accident. I think it’s how you resolve these “accidents” that makes for the interesting parts. After all, you have to say things, and some things will offend some people. It seems unrealistic to expect to never offend anyone, as pretty much anything you say will be taken as a criticism, condemnation, or complaint by someone, somewhere.

Perhaps, the fine line is that of trust. The more trust, the more likely that things will not be taken as a complaint, condemnation, or criticism and be perceived as just a statement of the problem. This would mean that with people closer to you, you can be more open with your thoughts and problems, which seems to be consistent with the general human condition.

Gaining trust and finding out which areas are untouchable though, are difficult skills to master on their own.

http://www.whatithinkabout.com is full of unusual and unique ideas that will expand your mind and heighten your awareness.

When trying to get your spouse back do not say, I have changed! Thats right.

In an attempt to persuade your spouse to stop an affair or mend your relationship, you may want to use the following ploy: I am not the person I used to be. I have changed and I am different.

Well,it may be true in the sense that your behavior may really be different, these days at least a lot of the time. After all, you may find yourself attempting to accommodate your spouse in ways you never tried before or you may be altering your behavior to fit what he or she wants you to do.

However, the following are real holes in this strategy:

Are you sure it is really true? Have you really changed or are you merely in a reactive mode, responding in a knee-jerk way?

People do often react to painful situations by trying on different behaviors. This approach can be commendable because it can take a lot of energy and thought to drastically change some aspect of your behavior.

If you practice your new changes they may gradually take and become a real part of you. However, these types of changes usually lack staying power because they are really a sudden knee-jerk reaction to the crisis in your relationship.

Ultimately, you know it and so does your spouse. You are likely to return to your old patterns, as the heat on your relationship diminishes. Most likely, your spouse will know this and think that the changes will never last and are only a ploy to get him or her back once again.

These changes are often viewed by spouses as merely desperate attempts to manipulate the situation. Your partners initial reaction will be to resent these changes, even though they are what he/she has been requesting for a very long time.

If she or he had been disappointed by false promises before, the resulting resentful feelings may even be greater now and more distance may actually emerge. In this kind of situation, you are likely to lose credibility because your partner will find believing you too difficult; he or she will simply be too exhausted to know what to believe.

In most affairs and episodes of infidelity, confusion is the first feeling to rise to the top. Since your spouse is likely to be very confused about what he/she wants, you are only adding to that confusion by faking or trying on these new behaviors.

The message your spouse is getting will be muddled. He or she may even begin losing respect for you.

Bottom line: relationship partners usually do not want their spouses, or others for that matter, to bend over backwards to please or placate them. That kind of strategy is usually not respected because it suffers from a lack of backbone which spouses want their mates to have.

It can appear to your partner that you are void of a core self and lack the strong identity necessary to take a firm stand. That is unattractive and is not what most spouses want in a partner.

What is the most common sentiment I hear expressed in counseling? How can you change so easily now, when you fought me tooth and nail when I wanted you to change years ago?

Well, your partner may feel that it is just too late now. He or she may even experience some sadness or resentment as he/she encounters your new behavior, thinking about what could have been, but is no longer seen as possible.

Does any of this ring a bell? Well, the truth is: If your partner is engaged in infidelity and blames it on you and the bad marriage, do not fall for it!

It is just a simplistic cop-out. The answer to saving a marriage wracked by infidelity is not to blame ones partner, but to participate in joint counseling which gets to the bottom of things. Counseling provides each of you with a forum to accept your own responsibility for each part of the problem, to evaluate alternatives and to commit to meaningful solutions.

Dr Shery is in Cary, IL, near Algonquin, Crystal Lake, Marengo, Woodstock and Lake-in-the-Hills. He provides day and evening appts and accepts all insurance. Call 1 847 516 0899 or learn more at: http://www.carypsychology.com